The Thoughts We Feed Our Sons

Yesterday, the two 16-year-old football players accused of raping a 16-year-old girl in Steubenville, OH were found guilty. As the blogger Black Girl Dangerous (BGD) has noted, the mainstream media has reacted to this by sympathizing with the rapists and bemoaning how this has ruined the rapists' lives, at the girl's expense. BGD writes,

Elevating the experience of these boys above the experience of their victim is not okay.But, you know what is okay? Also feeling sorry for these boys.Not in the way that CNN did it. Not at the expense of the girl who was raped by these boys. But including these boys in our feelings of sadness is okay.I, unlike many people reacting to today's verdict, am not just thrilled to death that two 16-year-old boys are going to jail. What they did was terrible. There is no excuse. They have to be two seriously fucked-up kids to have done what they did. But what I know for damn sure is that jail does not fix broken people. It only breaks them harder.

Watching this case and other cases like it is hard because on one hand, rape is inexcusable and the rapists should be held accountable. We should not forget the pain and suffering of the girl who was raped. On the other hand, as BGD notes, watching two more black boys get sent into the Prison Industrial Complex, knowing "they will not likely emerge from prison as two well-adjusted men who respect women and understand that sexual assault against them is not okay"—is also difficult to live with.I think of the ways our society socializes us into genders, starting with parenting, role models, mass media, the education system, and more, and what I learned about how a man should look, act, and think. Though it is slightly different for each man in the US according to culture and circumstance, it generally looks something like this—emotionally illiterate and with an unearned entitlement to take up space by speaking and acting unilaterally. Those of us who are men need to take responsibility for this socialization, not just in ourselves, but also in others around us, as well as the ways it is institutionalized in our society, the ways conventional masculinity are celebrated and rewarded. Not only is it an extremely limited way of being a human being, but its expression as rape and other forms of violence—from domestic violence and homophobic murder to cowboy capitalism and international war—favors death, not life. As individual men, we may not act these ways and may even be critical of conventional masculinity, but we are part of its fabric and actually benefit from it.Lastly, I think of the October 24, 2009 Richmond High School gang rape where a 15-year-old girl was repeatedly beaten and raped by a group of males—ranging in age from 15 to mid-20s—in public on a school campus, with numerous witnesses who did nothing to stop it. In trying to make visible the socialization men receive, I offer this poem, which I wrote a few days after October 24.The Thoughts We Feed Our Sonsfor the Richmond High School gang rape victimOct 24, 2009manhood is a mountain     is lonerock on a ridge     unshaken ironhard or wanting to bewe men fear being     unmanneddrunk on flesh gamesmad dog     king cobra red dogstreet pack howl mob     manhood border patrolthug up together     conscience unconsciousthe hardest manner     we takecolt 45 steel reserve     manhandle vacancy tear and fillbeat-beat-beats and mimesbeat men beating other menbeating b_____s beating f__sbeating i______s beating terroristshow does it feelto treat me like you dowhen you've laid your hands upon meand told me who you arerichmond : rich mountain     of oil refinerieschild of white house gangsters     unendingstrange fruitwe ask for sweet applesfrom where we’ve planted lemonsand i thought i was mistakenand i thought i heard you speaktell me how do i feeltell me now how should i feelbut a man can be a weepingwillow     supple hip swaying meadowuncurling from chest     ripple listeningsofter and stronger than any     steelwe can be golden     gangsters of sweetcupcakes filled with     poetrypuppy pile pirate     withfierce love warrior double-click optiona seed is a fruitis a thought     we feed our sons :the unsprouted gift